Well, I did something completely out of character. I quit my stable job during a pandemic with no back up plan. I am officially unemployed for the first time in my adult life. Sounds bad, but honestly it's a really good thing.

I've had a lot of difficulty managing anxiety for the last couple of years, mainly due to my job. I do have a history with anxiety and depression that I need to responsibly manage. But in this case I was pushed well past my limits and was not in an environment that set me up for success.

I became so exhausted, frustrated and burnt out. By the end of each day I couldn't enjoy my personal time. There was nothing left in me. I could see how it was negatively affecting my attitude and outlook. I felt like a shell of a person, completely drained of substance. I became resentful. Short tempered. I started hating myself. And for what? I couldn't see what I was getting out of it anymore. It wasn't worth it. 

From there, depression kicked me in the face real hard. I'm not one for doctors and such, but it drove me to seek help and start making some difficult decisions to prioritize myself over my job. Quitting felt like the best option that would allow me to let go of work completely and focus on just feeling better. By now, I've had time to decompress and reflect on things. I didn't realize exactly how much I had neglected myself for so long and how horrible of an effect it's had. Years ago I had so much drive and passion. Slowly, that was drained out of me till I had nothing left to give.

I now have an opportunity now regain some of that lost passion. So the question is, what do I actually want to do? What do I feel passionate about? While I do love coding, I've walked down that road and know what there is. It would be nice to explore something different while I have a chance. The other dominating skill I have is art. I tried to pursue it when I was much younger but it didn't really work out. Looking back, I was just not experienced enough to find success and focused on the wrong things. But if I had a choice in life, that would have been it. So for now, I think I'm going to try putting myself out there as an artist again. Maybe it'll go somewhere and maybe it won't. Since I've been drawing and creating again, I've felt so fulfilled. It's a core part of me I haven't been able to invest in for a very long time. If it doesn't work out, I won't be disappointed. It still feels like time well spent. I can honestly say I feel happiness in creating.  

This doesn't mean development is going out the window. I still love coding, I still enjoy building and learning new things. It'll be nice to do it on my own terms for a while.